Online Dating Advice by Americas Top Matchmaker
Hi Janis,
I am a 29-year-old, beautiful, adventurous, ballroom dancing woman in business school. I have dated and loved several men that were my definition of the whole package–intelligent, adventurous, ambitious, sweet, and attractive. Yet my relationships tend to follow a pattern. While I am getting to know the man and deciding on whether or not I’m really interested in a serious relationship, our relationship is roses and the wonderful things he does are bonus points! But a short time after I decide to open up my heart, something goes wrong.
At this point, my expectations rise with my commitment and openness (ie. vulnerability), and then I find myself hurt and perplexed by why he’s backing off. Talking about it doesn’t seem to solve it (ie. he doesn’t get the hint when i tell him it hurt me that you didn’t call me for several days when we used to talk every day). After we drift apart, I end up breaking up with him, upset about how yet another relationship that had so much potential fell short. I don’t know if I just haven’t found the right one for me, if I need to adjust my expectations, or if something else is going on.
I don’t believe my expectations are unreasonable. To sum them up, I would like to know I’m a part of his thoughts every day (a phone call to engage with me and tell me he misses me would do most days of the week), I would like to be courted at least every couple of weekends (taken out on planned, lovely dates), and I expect that we would weekly spontaneously relax and unwind together.
Not that my track record is much different for long-distance relationships, but when I’m in them (which probably makes up half of my relationships), his reaching out to me every day to engage with me and say something sincere becomes my primary expectation, but I also expect him to bring up the subject of when we can see each other again and eventually help make the trip happen.
Janis, I would like to know from you, first, specifically what expectations about the expression of love through time and words do you believe to be reasonable? Second, what’s your advice for me personally?
Thanks!
-Jess
Janis Replies:
Hey Jess
Well for starters my dear….YOU pick the WRONG men…reason being NOTHING you are requesting is out of the ordinary. That is exactly what they should be doing.You are NOT that young so that’s not the excuse..how old are the dudes you date? I will reiterate YOUR EXPECTATIONS are NOT unrealistic at all. My advice to you is shift what you are looking for, maybe the boys are NOT old enough? Is that a possibility? not mature enough–not looking for a “real” relationship? hymn sounds to me like that might be the deal breaker. Tell me more about the kind of boy you meet/attract and of course where/how do you meet them? Major question when do you have sex with them? Hope NOT right away??? The good news is you are young enough that we can correct this type of guy you go for (::::
Matchmaker Meeting Men
Dear Janis,
You make meeting guys seem easy, but I’ve had no luck over the past decade. Everywhere I go I meet every demographic except my target: the single 30-something male. Everyone tells me to attend or do “X” because its a stereotypical male interest or hobby, but I end up only meeting married men and other man-hunting women. I could try the bar-and-club thing, but that’s not me. Facebook and other online social networks are better for maintaining friendships than meeting new prospects. I don’t know what to do. Please help. Thanks.
Sign me… “Wanting to Stay Home”
ASK Janis Spindel About Her New Online Dating Site
ASK Janis Spindel about her new online dating site geared for upscale singles wanting to find a successful marriage minded partner.
Matchmaking and a Minister
I have a challenging situation. I am an African-American woman, well-educated, highly intelligent (140 IQ), very intuitive, “incredibly beautiful, gorgeous, stunning” (so they tell me–smile) and as a minister I practice a religion.
I never tell a man I am a minister until I feel comfortable, so it’s not as though he is aware of what I do until sometime. People have prejudices against ministers.
When an online service sends me matches, they are much older, fat, vulgar, and not very cultured. They immediately want to paw me and they act surprised that I don’t want to roll around the restaurant floor with them.
The black men are similar except they respect my space more. The men on a higher level that are more compatible with me are not interested in anything but looking at my profile.
Countless attractive white men (and other races) who have viewed my page, turn me down when I wink at them or I write and attempt to open up a dialogue. Why aren’t they considering me for a companion, a mate? My ideal mate is accomplished, bright, attractive, and adores me. And he wants me to love him with every ounce of my being.
I want to nurture and love him, and dote on him. I am attractive, very loyal, mature, and quite sexy. I easily create romance, love to travel, and thrive on intimacy (including just plain trust & emotional closeness). I marry people for a living and do other things as well. Weekly and daily I am blessing the love and unions of other people in love; when is my turn? I am well-rounded and engaging.
So what’s the problem?
Lonely & Frustrated
JANIS SPINDEL REPLIES:
Well for starters I just might have the man of your dreams, IMMEDIATELY I would suggest you head right to my homepage, click on the link women apply here and fill out the application. After seeing More about you I will also be able to tell you what the problem is. Are you over the top religious or not at all? Clearly you are meeting the wrong men . There just might be a reason why you found me and his name is George !!
Great!! Man’s Dating Questions
This is a beyond great dating question asked of a man for all women to read and understand.
Hi Janis,
I find these questions interesting, especially the ones from women who indicate that they and their friends are all beautiful, outgoing women who have so much trouble meeting good men. Yet, my friends and I all have the same troubles meeting women. It’s comical.
Anyway, here’s my question.
I just recently came across an internet dating profile from a woman around 50 y/o. It states: “I want to meet someone that I look forward to seeing…..again and again! I want the spark! you can’t start a fire without a spark. Do you ever put your arms out and just spin and spin and spin? Well, that’s what love is like. Everything inside of you tells you to stop before you fall, but you just keep going.”
I include this because it seems so representative of the expectations that are out there. It is difficult to find people who seem to want to give things a chance if they don’t perceive that this type of thing is achievable before meeting or upon meeting for the first time. I think we all know that this is often not how lasting love begins.
So how do we men meet these kinds of romantic fantasy-like expectations that are out there from the getgo?
Reply from a Woman:
Ugh! I hate reading those kinds of statements from guys too. It’s all about meeting some weird emotional expectation. This woman doesn’t realize that love as an experience differs for people, and even for the same person with different relationships. I’ve never felt like I was spinning, and I hope I never do, since it would make me nauseous!
Dating in Atlanta
Janis, I’m a single, talented, pretty, successful, out-going, sporty woman living in Atlanta, GA. I am 45 years of age, divorced of 7 years and am perplexed as to the complexity of meeting a nice guy to share fun, adventure, travel, sports . . . life! I have exhausted so many efforts of being open to men that I normally wouldn’t be interested in, to dating websites (eHarmony, Plenty of Fish and Match) only to remain disappointed in my search. Interestingly, I have a group of girlfriends in a similar spot (beautiful, successful, out-going, energetic, fun-loving, athletic, in shape, etc.) yet no luck in finding the right guy. I/we simply do not understand the difficulties around meeting a man with whom we could enjoy our time. I’m open for your guideance and suggestions for me and my friends. Sincerely, W
Well first of all you and your friends sound really awesome. Do I know you??
Clearly, it’s your body language which makes you unapproachable or you may not be putting yourself in the right places—with educated, well-groomed, commitment-minded men. Do you ever go to upscale steakhouses? Are you really being proactive about your love life; because you can’t just sit around waiting for “him” to knock on your door or prince charming to come riding in on a white horse?
Please give me some examples of how proactive you’re being, how many dates you go on a week, or where you and your friends go to meet men.
Online Dating Responses
I have not been having too much sucess lately with the online dating sites in getting the ones I like to respond back to me.
Besides the usual (“You are attractive and sound interesting. I would like to learn more”), any ideas as to what I could say to spark their interest and excitement?
Matchmaker Janis Responds:
Hello Online Dater,
First thing men do is go to the photo so ….what do your pictures look like??? Do they do you justice???? What about your bio, have you stepped out of the box? or are you doing the common..I love walks on the beach fine dining, travel and going to the movies? (boring!)
Your pictures must be FABULOUS because men are visual, they fall in love through their eyes. Also, spice up your profile to MAKE YOU STAND OUT!!! Add humor to it.
Dating Advice for Extra 25 Pounds
Hey Janis!
Love this website by the way! I was just wondering if you had any tips for a gal who used to be a pretty cute girl but after getting comfortable and putting on 25 pounds over the past two years, has lost her confidence. Of course I’m hitting the gym and trying to get back to my old body, but the men dont seem to flock like they used to. Do you think men sense that lack of confidence? And if so how do I get it back because clearly losing 25 pounds will take some time and I dont want to be waiting around for a man that long! Keep the advice coming;)
Matchmaker Janis Answers:
First off we need to a little be realistic here. We all know the older you get the harder it is to find a man. Unfortunately, they are not falling from the sky.
Men are VISUAL , they fall in love through their eyes. Just because your exercising doesn’t mean your going to lose weight if you come back from the gym and eat a pint of ice cream!! YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT. .It’s all about calories in and calories out….You could always get a jump start with the Master cleanse. I hate to be the “messenger” but it doesn’t take that long to lose 25 pounds. Men have an allergy to fat even if a man has a pot belly, they still want a skinny girl.
Once you start losing the weight you are going to feel so much better about your self and your confidence will be back. PROMISE!
Mixed Backgrounds Dating Question
Dear Janis,
My question might be seconded by your other readers coming from “mixed” backgrounds, whether racial, ethnic, cultural, socio-economic, or religious. I’ve always considered myself a full-fledged member of both Group(A) and Group(B), so accepting dates and blind dates with guys in both “races” was a no-brainer. Yet, I’m beginning to worry that I’ll never find a man who’s comfortable with my biracial identity.
Guys in Group(A) constantly tell me I’m “beautiful” and ask me out, but we rarely have anything in common. Some have even accused me of acting “too” Group(B)-like, expecting me to change to accommodate them. Guys in Group(B) generally have a lot in common with me (same politics, religion, socio-economic class, education, hobbies, etc.), but they have no romantic interest in me. A few have all-too-bluntly mentioned that I’m physically undesirable to them. Others cite negative stereotypes associated with Group(A), even when they fit those characteristics better than I do.
I’ve been advised on more than one occasion to focus on guys in Group(not-A & not-B). While I’m not entirely opposed to marrying someone with a different heritage, I’ve noticed that the problems mentioned above become magnified ten-fold. Is it impossible to find a Group(A) guy who shares my interests or a Group(B) guy who finds me attractive? Is it impossible to find a guy of any race who isn’t blinded by prejudice? I know such men exist. They’re married to friends and relatives. Has the last one already been taken? Please help.
Sign me…”In the Middle”
Matchmaker Janis:
Dear “In the Middle,”
Lucky you, your beyond awesome, great smile, amazing body, killer hair and your smart. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN PICKING THE WRONG MEN. You need to meet a guy who thinks outside of the box and is open to meeting someone from other ethnic backgrounds. It’s not about group A or group B.
Who knows it may be the state you live in??? haha
Matchmaker and Cowboy Bob Rock and Roll
Cowboy Bob:
Well done. I’m great at it btw. All else in sex life is really great. She’s clean no problem there. Ty for posting but still at a loss . Know any local ladies willing to just accept that and nothing more? Ty 
Matchmaker Janis:
NOT a good idea even though “eatins not cheatins”!! U need to have a convo w/her or this will be “haunting” u forever, trust me on that. Do u want the name of a GREATTT sex therapist who can work this out w/u guys?
