Relation Advice

Posted by Carly Spindel on February 20, 2013 in Home |

Dear Janis,

I wanted to ask you about “balance” in a relationship. When you’re first getting know know someone and when you’re exclusively dating them.– What is an appropriate balance of a woman being giving to a guy and being considerate without doing too much and damaging the balance in a relationship? I ask, because you mentioned some of the men you know have made comments that the women have never once treated them to anything, “pay for the popcorn, cook them dinner at home, pay for a dinner or drinks when out…” or anything of the sort.

I’ve actually done those things, but it’s always nipped me in the bum! For one ex – we were in a long distance relationship, and he got sick once about a month after we met and, I sent a “get well package” to him in London. When ever he’d come to NY to see me, the day before he arrived at his hotel, I would always stop by and drop off a small “welcome” gift bag for him at front desk for him to receive when he checked in. In the past I’ve also sent funny greeting cards in the mail as a way to show I was thinking of the guy (even if he was local and I knew I’d see him in a few days…but something he wasn’t expecting), paid for drinks or dinner on occasion…The last guy I was seeing – two months into dating (and he’d done some sweet things and showed himself well), so it was his birthday and I told him I was taking him out for the night. I showed up with a small birthday cake in hand, balloons and a nice Papyrus gift wrapped die cast model of a car he saw on the street previously he liked – then took him out to dinner and a fun show. He could not stop raving to his family and friends about how much he appreciated that I made him feel special on his birthday (he even admitted he’d never had cake or balloons on his birthday as his family wasn’t big on these things growing up). The following weekend we went out, he was happy to introduce me as his girlfriend, then the next week he didn’t make an effort to make plans in advance like had for the past two months (and there was a long holiday weekend ahead), didn’t call when he said he would, and a couple other things…and got really really lax, and started wanting things on his time and terms! I’ve had guys not even say, “thank you.” I’ve run into this more times than I care to admit…get to know a guy, things are going well… do something nice, even a small gesture, and it falls apart!?… And even more importantly than this, a couple guys I’ve dated hit some life bumps, and I stood by them and that even down like a plane in flames.

So I’m wondering if maybe the men I’m meeting say/think they’re ready for a serious relationship – but aren’t, therefore not able to appreciate a relationship minded woman, or maybe guys are looking to be shown appreciation and reciprocation in a way that I’m not aren’t aware of or don’t know about?…

*So for future reference, what is the “right balance” in showing a guy who truly is ready for and wanting a serious relationship, that you care and are considerate of him as well, without being left as though you’re the one being taken for granted? I will caveat that I’m definitely no doormat and don’t give repeatedly to a guy who isn’t appreciative – but I’m finding that men have a difficult time accepting kindness from a woman.

I look forward to hearing you speak this week at the lecture uptown at the Y! And yes – I’m registered for the bootcamp next month too!!

Thank you!!! 🙂



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